


dare to be all you can be

by andromedagalaxy



Series: Philkas College Verse [56]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2019-03-29 04:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13918962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andromedagalaxy/pseuds/andromedagalaxy
Summary: “I’m really proud of you,” Helen says, running her hand through his hair. “You two, well—you’ve—you’ve accomplished a lot. You didn’t let anything stop you, and I’m really, really proud of everything you’ve done. The man you grew to be.”Philip dips his head down and smiles softly, shaking his head. “We didn’t—” He knows he’s about to insult himself, and he’s so used to sayingwe, but doesn’t want to insult Lukas too. “I didn’t do anything,” he says. “Just, you know—normal shit.”Helen shakes her head at him. “You’re anything but normal, kid. You’re incredibly special and I just…don’t want you to forget it. She’d be so, so proud of everything you are.”He’s been thinking about his mom a lot lately. He wishes she was here so, so badly. He feels emotion welling up in his throat and he laughs to quell it, looking up at Helen. “Getting sentimental with me, huh?”“Of course,” she says, pulling him in and kissing the top of his head. “It’s graduation day!”





	dare to be all you can be

**Author's Note:**

> All the quotes at the beginning of the sections are from graduation speakers :)

_**\- Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. -** _

They take another step forward and Lukas groans. He nudges into Philip, who is currently holding his camera and clipping through his photos quickly, brows furrowed and judgmental eye definitely in use. 

“Philip,” Lukas says.

No response.

The rest of the line ripples a little bit and Lukas flows with the movement without even thinking about it, like they’re stuck in some indefinite swell of The Wave at some uninteresting football game. 

“Philip,” Lukas sing-songs, and this time he earns a small smile. He knows he has his attention. “How long are we gonna be in this line?”

“Until we get our caps and gowns,” Philip says, clearly still trying to focus. 

“I don’t even want it,” Lukas says, looking up at the insanity stretching out in front of them. Every other goddamn senior in the state of New York has to be filing into Kimmel right now, which makes Lukas feel like an idiot for picking today. He figured other people would be waiting. He didn’t think they’d all flood down here at the same damn time. “I don’t,” he says. “I’ll just wear jeans and a white t-shirt to graduation. It’ll be fine.”

Philip snorts, still doesn’t look at him.

“There are fifty thousand people ahead of us,” Lukas says. 

“Yeah, that’s not an exaggeration at all.”

Lukas smiles, looking down at him. “God knows how long—we aren’t even in the building yet. We have dogs at home, they need us to come back. We have families. We don’t deserve to die here.”

Philip looks up at him then, giving him that incredulous look that’s steeped in fondness. “The drama with you.”

“You have a shoot in three days,” Lukas says. “Will you make it? Probably not. Maybe we’ll be out for your birthday.”

“Next week is a maybe?”

“Maybe.”

Philip slides closer and kisses him before he can say anything else. “You’re the dumbest. I can’t believe they allowed you to graduate. The dumbest person on the planet.”

“They wanted that distinction,” Lukas says, grasping at Philip’s sides. “Dumbest guy in the world went here and still managed to graduate.”

Philip laughs and kisses him again.

Spring semester flew by in a haze. Lukas ran three races in upstate New York and won two of them, coming in third for the second one, and added some more prize money to their savings. They opened an actual adult married people bank account together, which felt like the most adult thing that either one of them have ever done. Lukas locked down a couple more sponsors with his newfound marketing techniques and Philip’s amazing photos, and they both breezed through their remaining core classes and Lukas’s one final liberal arts class, Public Speaking. He did his big speech on communication and talked about his high school experiences in the third person, revealing in the end that he was talking about himself. It went over pretty fucking good.

They take another step forward.

“Is it like, standard practice not to know our grades before the actual graduation ceremony?” Lukas asks. “That didn’t happen in high school.”

“Yeah, it’s weird,” Philip says, turning off his camera and letting it hang around his neck. They take four steps forward and it’s such a surprise; Lukas thinks they might make it home tonight. Maybe. “Okay, yeah, this is taking forever,” Philip says.

“Yeah, now that you’re paying attention,” Lukas says. 

Philip clicks his tongue. “I think I wanna go back to the thrift store and get those camera pieces.”

“Yeah?” Lukas asks. 

“Yeah,” Philip says. “I can mess around with them, maybe spray paint them silver or something, and we can use them as centerpieces at the reception.”

Lukas had been under the assumption that Philip just thought they looked cool and might want to put them on their shelves or something, but this idea is so much better. “Oh, babe—that’s a great idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Lukas says, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “Well—if we ever get out of this line. We might have to get married right here.”

Philip snorts. “Good thing we’re already—”

“Yup, yup,” Lukas says, cutting him off. “Ears everywhere.”

“Yup,” Philip says. “Low profile, right.”

They get into the building about twenty minutes later. They get into the room with their cap and gown packages another twenty minutes after that, and they split off into the S and W lines. Lukas gets his a lot faster than Philip, grabbing the bag, nodding his thanks and heading off towards Philip again.

“Shoulda taken my last name after all,” Lukas says, scowling at the ten or so people standing in front of Philip.

“Well, gimme a preview,” Philip says, gesturing towards the bag.

Lukas tears it open. He can see the purple gown, the NYU tassel, the cap on the bottom, his cord, and an envelope. They step forward a little bit in the line and Lukas opens the envelope—three tickets to the graduation ceremony in Yankee Stadium, and four tickets to something called Grad Alley. He holds them up to Philip and raises an eyebrow.

“Hmm, unsure,” Philip says. 

Lukas looks it up on his phone as they keep moving forward, and by the time Philip has his own bag Lukas finds the info.

“Seems like it’s some kinda like party thing,” Lukas says, as they walk away from the tables. “Here, Schwartz Plaza, Gould Plaza, looks like food and entertainment and shit.”

“Cool,” Philip says. “That’s something they’ll wanna be here for.”

“It’s the day before graduation, so they will be,” Lukas says. They go a little ways down the hallway and see a bunch of other people trying on their caps and gowns right there in the open—Lukas gives Philip a look.

“What?” 

“Let’s put them on!”

“Ugh, then we’ll have a hard time folding them back up.”

“I wanna make sure they fit,” Lukas says, knocking Philip on the elbow. 

Philip shakes his head but walks them over to a few benches, both putting their bags down. Lukas puts the envelope aside because he can absolutely see himself losing those tickets, locking Dad and Sarah out of the ceremony. They both shake out their robes and Lukas tosses it over his head, hearing Philip laugh from the other side of purple darkness. He manages to find the arm-holes and pulls his head through. He catches sight of Philip already standing there, his cap on his head and the tassel swinging back and forth.

Lukas knows he’s attracted to Philip in all situations, all clothing or no clothing, but this feels like a different kind of attraction. Full of pride for everything that he is. And he looks so good in purple.

“Well, look at us,” Lukas says, approaching Philip as he hangs his white and purple cord around his neck.

“Both graduating college,” Philip says, beaming at him.

“So refined.”

“So distinguished.”

“And we got honors, too,” Lukas says, smacking Philip on the shoulder. “Who would have thought that shit? Not me.”

“Always doubting yourself,” Philip says, shaking his head. He takes the cap off and puts it on top of the bag.

“Uh, we waited eight thousand years to get these,” Lukas says, stepping back and holding his hands over his chest. “I wanna wear it all day.”

Philip snorts. “Oh my God.”

_**\- Your path is your character defining itself more and more every day, like a photograph coming into focus. -** _

Philip gets the email from Helen without any pretense or explanation, just a simple receipt for three photography sessions the day after tomorrow. Philip narrows his eyes—now he knows why she was asking him what their schedules were. 

“We’ve been duped,” Philip says. 

Lukas blinks out of half a nap from beside him. They’re done with finals—Philip turned in his portfolio this morning—and they’ve been taking the time to relax and mess around with wedding stuff until graduation, among Philip’s few job obligations.

Lukas hums a little bit, trying to blink into focus. “Duped?” he asks. “How? By who?”

“Looks like our parents booked us grad portraits.”

Lukas turns up his nose like he smells something bad and Philip snorts. “Ugh,” Lukas groans. “Why? Can we skip it?”

“Looks like they already paid for it,” Philip says, looking down at his phone again. “It’s day after tomorrow, three consecutive shoots—you individual, me individual and then it says ‘group’ and lists you and me.”

Lukas perks up then, sitting up and leaning on his elbow. “Did they seriously get us a goddamn couple photo shoot?”

“I guess so,” Philip says, smiling a little bit.

“Alright, well that’s cute,” Lukas says, grinning. “Where is it?”

“Kimmel,” Philip laughs, knowing the reaction that’s gonna get.

Lukas looks at him for a moment, gaping, and then he flops back down. Samson jumps up on the bed and immediately leaps onto Lukas’s chest, and Lukas makes a sound like he’s been punched. “Well,” Lukas says, rubbing Samson’s head. “We might as well rent out a room there, we’ve been there so goddamn much lately.”

Philip locks his phone and lays down alongside Lukas, resting his head on his shoulder and getting an immediate lick on the nose from Samson. He feels the bed rock behind him, which is a telltale sign that Izzy has joined them, both dogs completely hurling the rules about the bed out the window.

Philip laughs, Izzy digging at the comforter by his back. “It’ll be fun,” Philip says, kissing Lukas’s cheek. “And it’s really cute they’re like—essentially insisting on this.”

Lukas huffs. “They’re getting very _insistent_.”

~

Philip kinda feels like an idiot sitting there and posing in his cap and gown, in front of a green screen like some action star. They didn’t do this for high school, neither of them cared to and no one made them, but the dynamics have changed so significantly from that time that he isn’t exactly surprised that their parents wanted this, when he really thinks about it. Things were new then, all of them were still working out how they fit together, how the world fit around them. But Philip feels like everything after the cruise started a new sort of solidity, because all of them knew what they wanted, what they needed. What their family was and should be. They’re well on their way to being way too functional, which both thrills and terrifies him at the same time. Domestic bliss. He never thought he’d have it. All he needs is Bo’s total and complete acceptance. He can see it on the horizon.

Lukas stands behind the camera man dressed exactly the same as Philip is, his own appointment already finished. Their group appointment is with the same guy who’s photographing Philip now, and he feels like his face is gonna break if he keeps smiling like this. 

“Okay,” the photographer says, about six or seven photos later, “we can start our next set. Lukas, uh—” He holds out his hand and Lukas steps in, briefly shaking his head at Philip before standing beside him. “You guys got anything in particular you wanna do? Back to back with the fake diplomas?”

“Sounds good,” they say at the same time, and then they snicker at each other. Philip kinda feels like a little kid on Halloween, though he didn’t dress up often when he was young, and when he did the costumes were often homemade. 

The photographer hands them over the scrolls that are supposed to be diplomas, but really they’re just blank papers rolled up, and he positions them, Lukas behind Philip, and turns them to the side. Philip backs up a little bit until he hits Lukas’s chest, both of them laughing. The photographer returns to his spot behind the camera, adjusting his lens. 

“Alright, that’s good, hold it.” He takes a couple, and once again Philip tries to keep his smile from straining. “Nice, nice.” 

Lukas sneaks his hand around and wraps it around Philip’s waist, tugging him a little closer.

“Keep smiling,” the photographer says. “Keep—that’s it—”

Philip sees something moving out of the corner of his eye and he wonders if someone is coming in to adjust the shot. But the photographer doesn’t move or say anything and when Philip looks to the side as quick as he can, he’s shocked out of his goddamn mind to see Helen and Gabe standing there.

“Hey!” Lukas says, and when Philip turns, Bo is standing beside Lukas. 

“Oh my God,” Philip laughs, covering his heart with his hand as Helen and Gabe both break into hysterics. Philip looks around, sees the photographer laughing too, Sarah next to him looking equally as delighted. “What is going on?”

“We paid for the group photo so we could get a couple of you two together and then some with all of us!” Gabe says, smiling, and he looks good. So much better. 

“This is awesome,” Lukas says, eyes wide. He looks at the photographer. “Were you in on it?”

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. “They told me to act like we were just gonna do some couple pictures so they could sneak in.”

“All Helen’s idea,” Bo says, gesturing towards her. “But we’ve been pretty excited since she booked it.”

“We got here about an hour ago,” Helen says, grinning.

“An hour?” Philip exclaims, raising his eyebrows.

“Just been milling around,” Gabe laughs.

“Alright, family,” the photographer says. “Scoot together, look like you love each other—”

They move in a little bit and then Philip sees Lukas’s head whip up. 

“Sarah,” Lukas says.

She glances up at him, her arms crossed over her chest. “Yes?”

“Get in here,” Lukas says, wrapping his arm around Philip’s waist.

Philip’s breath catches in his throat and he stares up at Lukas. He didn’t expect this and it makes chills run up his spine, and his whole body goes warm at the same time, like he can’t decide how to react. He knows things have been getting better, that Lukas has been trying hard with her whenever he gets the opportunity. But comparing this to how he behaved on the cruise is like apples and oranges, and Philip feels like he’s gonna burst with pride.

“Are you sure?” Sarah asks, and she looks more vulnerable than Philip has ever seen her. She’s usually so upstanding and confident. He knows she probably didn’t expect this reaction from Lukas either.

“Of course,” Lukas says. “Gotta get everybody.”

Philip feels like he’s gonna cry a little bit and he sucks in a breath as he watches her walk over, and he nearly fucking loses it when he sees Bo kiss Lukas on the head, just under where the cap sits and the tassel swings. Philip holds tight to Lukas, feeling a rich happiness course through his veins.

“Okay everybody,” the photographer says, once Sarah is situated. “Say cheese!”

_**\- The old rules are crumbling and nobody knows what the new rules are. So make up your own rules. –** _

Bo and Sarah stay in a hotel in Brooklyn but Helen and Gabe stay with Philip and Lukas, which results in lots of excited barking and breakfast courtesy of Gabe. They’re three days earlier than they would have been for graduation festivities, but Lukas doesn’t mind at all and he knows Philip doesn’t either.

The day of Grad Alley Lukas wakes up and takes a shower, walking out of the bathroom to Philip already mostly dressed. He looks up at Lukas and smiles, his hair still messy and out of place, and it’s impossible to resist so Lukas doesn’t even try—he walks up to him, half naked, and presses a long kiss to the corner of his mouth, one that he hopes comes off as tantalizing and a promise for later.

“You using that cinnamon toothpaste?” Philip asks, stealing another kiss.

“Yup,” Lukas says. “Like it?”

“Duh,” Philip says, kissing him one more time. “Only one I didn’t like was that licorice crap.”

“I don’t know what got into us buying that shit,” Lukas says, laughing.

Philip shakes his head and looks down, twisting his ring. 

“What?” Lukas asks, following his gaze.

“I just realized that we’ve been wearing our engagement rings on our fucking left hands,” Philip says.

Lukas narrows his eyes. “Well, we swap ‘em back and forth sometimes—”

“I just hope they don’t read into it,” Philip says, chewing on his lower lip.

Lukas rubs his arm up and down. “It stressing you out to keep this secret?” he asks. Because it’s definitely been getting to him. It’s weird to hide something that brings him so much joy, and he’s almost said something stupid to his dad a hundred times. 

“Maybe,” Philip says, meeting his eyes. 

Lukas steps a little closer to him. “I mean—I don’t think—I don’t know—why did we decide to keep it a secret in the first place?”

Philip gives him a look. “Because one—it was irresponsible, shit, we got—blackout drunk and were stumbling around Vegas like assholes—”

“But we did all good things,” Lukas says, trying to play devil’s advocate. “Got married. What’s wrong with that? I know you. You’re not some random dude I married. Coulda been something horrible like that, one of us accidentally marrying _someone else_.”

Philip’s expression gets even sterner. “Are you saying you had the potential to do this or I did?”

“Neither,” Lukas says, fast. “It wouldn’t have happened.”

Philip raises an eyebrow.

“But I’m saying,” Lukas says, reaching out and grabbing Philip’s arm. “Like—soulmates. We married—I mean, we married each other because soulmates.” He’s stumbling.

Philip snorts then, his façade breaking. “Okay, nerd, you don’t have to justify it to me. I’m just saying they’d probably be irritated that we got that drunk in a place that’s potentially dangerous, and also we’re planning and they’re helping us pay for a wedding and we kinda just—were like oh, fuck that, let’s goddamn elope in Vegas.”

Lukas stares at him. “Yeah. Yeah.”

“The whole money thing too. And now we’ve kept it for so long that it’s like…that’ll be in there too, the idea that we just…kept on keeping the secret,” Philip says. He sighs, dropping forward and resting his forehead against Lukas’s shoulder. 

“Okay,” Lukas says, rubbing his back. “Well, it’ll be fine. We’ll tell them the day of the wedding and they’ll be so happy that they won’t be able to be angry. And Gabe is also in on it so not all the blame is on us.”

“Jesus,” Philip says, shoving a little closer to Lukas and burying his face in his neck.

“It’s fine,” Lukas says, panic rising inside of him, too. He tries to punch it down. “It’s fine! We’re gonna enjoy this…weird party thing today and we’re gonna graduate and it’s all totally fine.” He presses a couple quick kisses to the side of Philip’s head. “Cheer up sleepy jean,” he sing-songs, and Philip laugh.

“Totally fine,” Philip repeats. 

“Definitely and completely fine.”

~

“Lukas,” Sarah says. He looks up at her and nearly chokes, because she literally has seven NYU Alumni bags hanging on her shoulder. “What?” she asks, breaking into a grin.

“Nothing,” he says, shaking his head. She can be funny sometimes.

“Are you just going up to each vendor and asking for another one?” Philip asks, laughing.

“Yes,” Dad says, before Sarah can answer. “And I hold the contraband so they’re none the wiser.”

“Yeah,” Helen says, appearing behind them, and Lukas nearly chokes again because she has like ten bags. “Uh, doing the same thing—they really need to be more aware of how many they’re giving away.”

“We’re gonna decorate our houses with this stuff,” Sarah says. 

“I don’t even know what’s in there,” Philip says, still laughing. 

“You need to get with the times, kid,” Gabe says. “Helen says it’s all must have.”

“In multiples, apparently,” Dad says. He and Gabe snicker at each other and Lukas rolls his eyes, but he can’t stop smiling. He’s trying to chill out with the worrying, and he hopes Philip is too. He knows it’s definitely gonna be a Thing when they find out, and he doesn’t want it to be a Thing, but apparently keeping secrets of all shapes and sizes is their Thing and they’ll probably be doing it well into old age. As long as they do it together. Hopefully people will stop being mad at them and just assume they’re hiding something.

There are so many people here. So many brave souls that decided to wear their caps and gowns and every time Lukas sees them dragging in the street he sees Philip’s eye twitch. He snorts, shaking his head. There’s tons of food tents, free shit, an illusionist, a dunk tank, people dressed up. It goes on and on and on. He really feels like something, here. For a while school just felt like school. But now they’re graduating. They made it. They’re about to be NYU Alumni. And it’s the craziest thing in the world. 

“There’s a fortune teller over there,” Sarah says. “No line. And I bet she won’t judge our need for free things.”

“You wanna get your fortune told?” Lukas asks her. He’s been trying to ask her more questions lately. He found out the other day how much she likes fishing, how she’s been taking dad to these painting classes, and although the idea is really fucking weird to him, it really feels good to know he’s branching out. Lukas knows their connection is real, solid—and as much as it may freak him out when he thinks about it too hard, he knows they’re gonna last.

“No, no, no,” Sarah says. “You two.”

“You’re the ones graduating,” Helen says.

“Want to?” Lukas asks, looking down at Philip. He really wishes, a lot of the time, that they can talk to each other in their heads. Lukas knows Philip doesn’t take a lot of stock in this type of shit, and in true Philip form he just shrugs, a little smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Five minutes later Lukas is sitting down in front of the woman, who doesn’t look like she has any kind of other worldly powers of seeing the future. She just has pink hair. That shouldn’t entitle her to anything. 

She takes Lukas’s hand and almost instantly she looks up at Philip, clicking her tongue. “You get over here too, boy,” she says. “You’re as much a part of his future as he is himself.”

Lukas’s heart rattles a little bit and he laughs nervously as he turns around, watching Philip approach.

“Uh oh,” Helen says, the group of them standing in the doorway of the tent. “She already knows them.”

“I’m gonna be cryptic because it’s fun,” she says, taking Philip’s hand too, but not looking too hard at it.

“Great,” Lukas says, strangely apprehensive about this.

“But don’t worry,” she says. “You should know what I mean.”

She doesn’t seem like she’s putting on a show, like that one crystal ball woman in Bryant Park that time. She just seems to be considering her surroundings, considering them, and Lukas is almost ready to believe whatever she says. 

“So you’ll get to go that place you’re worried you won’t get to go to,” she says, making eye contact with Lukas. “Don’t worry about the new plans. The canyon is gonna be beautiful and the other trip will come at the right time. You’ll love the mountains.”

“Um, whoa,” Philip says, laughing. Lukas’s heart is hammering in his chest. 

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Uh—”

She grins at them. “You’ve got a lot floating around in there,” she says. “Very clear and open.”

“You a mind reader or a fortune teller?” Helen asks from the door, looking concerned.

“A little bit of both. Can sense auras, see events, feelings,” she says, nonchalantly. “But they said fortune teller seems more inviting in this kind of environment.”

Helen hums to herself and Gabe snorts.

“So you are gonna see him again,” the woman says, looking back and forth between Lukas and Philip. “But don’t worry—love protects love.”

Lukas doesn’t know what that means, but he knows what it sounds like. It sounds like Dour, and it makes him nervous. For Philip, for both of them. For the part of his psyche that is terrified of seeing his own self in those putrid eyes. 

She squeezes Lukas’s hand. “When you can’t see, try to swallow the panic,” she says. “He’ll be there.” She looks at Philip, then back at Lukas again. “He’ll run right to you.”

“Uh—”

It feels like words have failed them.

“And about the other thing,” she says. “It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be totally fine.”

~

Lukas and Philip get their ice cream orders first from the Big Gay Ice Cream truck and Lukas knows Philip is always happy to support them over any other ice cream place. Especially because their sundaes are so good. Lukas takes a couple pictures of his dad in front of the trunk for his own enjoyment and peace of mind, trying to juggle his phone with sticky fingers.

“Anything that pink haired girl said to us freak you out?” Lukas asks.

“All of it,” Philip says, laughing. “She was—I don’t know. It all felt real, it was weird.”

“Love protects love,” Lukas says.

“Me and you, I guess,” Philip says, taking another bite of his cone. A little line of vanilla drips down his chin and Lukas leans in, licking it off. Philip laughs, shaking his head.

“Protecting you from drips,” Lukas says.

“Thanks babe.”

Dad and Gabe beckon them over to one of the tables set up by the truck and they all sit down, Sarah placing a giant stack of napkins and hand sanitizer in the middle of the table. They’re all sorta quiet, just watching the students and their families walk down the street and take in the festivities, enjoying their ice cream and each other’s company. Lukas tries not to get emotional. He feels like he’s always trying not to get emotional. A bunch of white rose petals get caught up in a gust of wind and dance in the air for a few moments, gaining unexpected heights and fluttering back down close to their feet.

It feels like his mother is watching. Philip is looking at them too, like he’s thinking the same thing.

They finish their ice cream and clean up their hands after a few long looks from Helen and Sarah, and then there’s a weighted silence with everybody but Philip and Lukas looking at each other like they don’t know how to make their next move.

“What?” Philip asks them, laughing a little bit.

“Wanna do it now?” Dad asks, looking at the other three.

“Yeah,” Helen says.

“What?” Lukas asks now, eyes narrowed.

“That all you two can say?” Gabe asks, laughing.

“Well you’re being weird!” Lukas says, grinning.

Both Helen and Sarah reach into their purses, brushing aside the alumni bags they’re hoarding like lost treasure, and pull out a ring box each. Sarah presents hers to Lukas, and Helen pushes hers Philip’s way.

“What’s this?” Philip asks, taking it delicately.

Lukas opens his before he can get an answer. It’s a class ring—white gold, New York University on the face, his initials on one side along with his degree, and the year on the other side. He hadn’t been expecting this, and he’s shocked. 

“We tried to match them up with your engagement rings,” Gabe says. 

“Just our little way of saying congratulations to you boys,” Sarah says.

“You guys—this must have been expensive,” Philip says. Lukas peers over, sees the gold band Philip has, a different shape than his own.

“Worth every penny to see that look on your face,” Helen says, beaming at him. 

“You guys like them?” Dad asks. He looks—he looks different. Lukas gets flashes of all the expressions he’s ever seen on his dad’s face and it’s sort of shocking how much more he emotes now. Since college started, since he started dating Sarah. It’s amazing, how he changed once he stopped trying to fight how things were. 

Lukas thinks the same thing about himself.

“Yes,” Lukas and Philip say at the same time, turning to look and beam at each other. 

“They’re amazing,” Lukas says. 

“Thank you,” Philip says, and Lukas knows he’s still not used to getting gifts that cost this much. “Thank you so—so much.”

_**\- Not only can you not plan the impact you’re going to have, you often won’t recognize it when you’re having it. –** _

“Babe,” Lukas whispers. “I’m gonna take a shower, okay?”

Philip is still mostly asleep, his whole body calm and his eyelids heavy. He thinks a response, like some kind of jab about Lukas and his early morning showers lately, but he can only grunt and turn his face a little further into the covers. He feels Lukas’s lips brush against his cheek and then press there, three times, slow and with purpose. 

Philip slips back into a dream then, and it’s full of Lukas. Lukas on top of him, underneath him, inside him, both of them filling the other up and taking the other apart. Fingertips sliding over nipples, tongues sucking on tongues, that sound Lukas makes that echoes in Philip’s ears hours later. He can feel Lukas’s hands on him, running over the ridges of his ribs, dipping down and palming around the length of his cock. Philip doesn’t know where they are, because they’re everywhere, in bed, in the living room, in Tivoli, on a park bench, on Lukas’s bike, everywhere, everywhere. Philip has never been a fucking exhibitionist or anything, not in the slightest, but in this dream he keeps seeing them fucking against the wall in alleyways, close to open windows, in dressing rooms at the mall.

_Oh fuck, Philip. Philip, oh god. Oh god, yes. Yes, yes—_

His eyes snap open. He’s still on his side and he can feel the dream all over him. He’s hard as a rock and when he looks up he sees Lukas sitting naked on the edge of the bed, rubbing his hair with a towel. 

Philip crawls over, his whole body on fire, and slides his hand down Lukas’s back, kissing his shoulder. Lukas hums a little bit, looking his way, but Philip can’t stop kissing him, leaving wet marks, the beginnings of bruises where he bites and sucks.

“You have a good dream?”

Philip nods, sliding up closer behind him and going for his neck. Lukas tosses the towel aside and breathes out a sigh. Philip works one arm around Lukas’s middle, rubbing up and down his chest. 

“We have to be quiet,” Lukas whispers. “They’re literally in the living room.”

“We can be,” Philip says, licking Lukas’s earlobe. “You’re the only weirdo here who gets up this early.”

“You’re up.”

“Yeah,” Philip says, rubbing his erection against Lukas’s hip.

Lukas lets out a shuddery breath and it makes Philip throb. 

“Can you lay on your stomach?” Philip whispers into Lukas’s ear. His heart is raging and he can hardly see through the fog of his own lust, just wants Lukas, no one else. Wants to show him how much he means, how much Philip loves him. He feels fucking wild.

Lukas looks at him and nods, twisting a bit and smashing their mouths together. It’s full of tongue and teeth and spit, overwhelming need, and Philip tangles his hands in Lukas’s hair and tugs, earning a moan that’s quickly stifled. Lukas breaks the kiss, breathing hard. “I don’t know if I can be quiet,” he says, softly. 

Philip smiles, likes that, and kisses him again. They work their way into position and Lukas shoves a pillow under his hips, twisting their throw blanket in his fists. Philip doesn’t waste time, kneeling between his legs and spreading him open, slipping his tongue inside. He loves doing this to Lukas, loves the intimacy of it, tasting him where no one else ever will. He licks over the tender skin, probes deeper, groaning and thrusting down against the bed.

Philip kisses him there, over and over, deep and dirty before delving inside again. He knows this takes Lukas apart, narrows him down to his basic instincts, makes him putty in Philip’s hands. He hears Lukas make a noise but it’s muffled, sounds like he’s pressing the blanket down over his mouth. Philip thrusts down harder, pleasure and pain swarming in his gut, and he pulls back a little bit. He listens to Lukas’s harsh breathing and sticks a finger into his mouth, sucking on it for a few seconds before diving back in, slipping his finger inside Lukas alongside his tongue. 

Lukas is trembling, whimpering, and Philip thinks he hears his name in there somewhere. Philip keeps fingering him, licking inside, and it’s nearly overwhelming. He knows he has to keep quiet too, because any indication that Helen and Gabe are hearing them would snap him right out of this sexy mood he’s in. 

“Philip,” Lukas says, quiet and loud at the same time. “I—I can’t—I wanna ride you, I need—”

Philip’s heart leaps, and he pulls back. “You sure?” he remembers to ask, because the fog is only getting thicker and he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to think straight. 

“Yes, yes,” Lukas says, wavering as he moves forward towards the bedside table, knocking the remote to the ground as he opens the drawer.

Lukas has only ridden him three times before in all the years they’ve been together. Lukas still has this vulnerability that he doesn’t know how to master, and it almost always seems to come out more clearly when Philip takes control. Philip likes it, likes seeing him soft and tender, giving himself up in a way that he wouldn’t ever fathom doing for anyone else. And it always comes to that—even though they’ve had sex thousands of times, so many different ways, every time always seems like the first time, because Philip knows this is theirs to experience, theirs to make together. He knows what kind of trust Lukas puts in him, to let him take charge, to let him inside him, to show a different, hidden side of him. Philip fucking cherishes that trust. 

It doesn’t hurt that Lukas also acts like there’s no better feeling in the world than having Philip’s dick inside him. It never fails to be the sexiest fucking thing.

Philip lays down and Lukas straddles him, only taking a couple of moments to prep himself since he’s still pretty loose and ready from Philip’s mouth. 

Philip stares up at him, the shadowy outline of him in the weak light peeking in through the window. He always looks like something cut out of marble, an ancient statue kept in perfect condition. “I’m not gonna last,” Philip whispers, his hips already itching to move.

“Me neither,” Lukas says, his voice breaking. 

“Go slow,” Philip says, running his hands up and down Lukas’s thighs. “You’re quieter when we go slow.”’

Lukas laughs, breathless. “Shut up, neither one of us is ever quiet—”

“Had enough practice in high school—”

“Totally out of the habit—”

Philip helps guide him down and Lukas’s breath hitches when Philip first pushes inside, his features twisting as he continues to sink down. He’s so fucking tight and Philip is sure he’s gonna blow after two thrusts max, and he can’t look at Lukas too hard or he’s gonna come before that. Lukas breathes hard when he’s finally seated, and Philip gives him the time he needs to adapt, rubbing his legs and his hips, gently taking his cock in his hand and stroking it slowly. 

Lukas seems to be concentrating on not making any kind of loud noise, squelching them and swallowing them whole—his eyes flutter closed as Philip continues to touch him, and a moment or so later he starts to move. He does go slow and it’s intense, almost like torment—Philip watches Lukas’s hair fall into his eyes, his beautiful lips curving around words and sounds that don’t reach the air. Philip looks him up and down—his chest, his little stomach, the veins in his arms and the freckles there too, his collarbones, the strain in his neck. 

“You’re so fucking hot, Lukas,” Philip whispers, his eyes rolling back. Their bed creaks a little bit with Lukas’s movements and Philp holds him by the hips so he can memorize what this feels like.

“Philip,” Lukas gasps, softly, and he’s clearly trying to keep a reign on himself. “Yes, God—fuck, oh fuck—”

Philip thrusts up into him a little bit and Lukas groans, biting down on his lower lip. 

“Shh, shh—”

“Fuck, I can’t,” Lukas gasps, his whole body rippling. He whimpers a little bit, his thighs shaking. He’s got his hands braced on Philip’s chest and they slide forward a little bit to his shoulders—Philip encourages the movement, drags him down further until they’re nose to nose. Sparks are racing up and down the length of his body and the new position makes it a little harder for Lukas to move, so he only rocks back and forth, eyes closed and eyebrows knit together. Philip can tell he wants to make noise, they’re so used to making noise in here, and he did start this, so he figures he should try and help him out a little bit.

Philip reaches up and covers Lukas’s mouth in a tight seal. Their eyes meet and Lukas blinks, slowly, nodding and pushing forward into his hand. Philip braces his forehead against Lukas’s temple, his own breathing speeding up. “Moan for me,” he whispers, feeling Lukas jerk a little bit. “Let it out, c’mon, you can, they won’t hear like this—”

Lukas moans, vibrating against Philip’s palm, and it’s properly muffled, stuck in the little bubble around them. Lukas moves a little faster, opening his eyes when Philip pulls back to look at him. He moans again without being asked, opening his mouth and licking at the center of Philip’s palm. He makes these little sucking noises, groaning, and it’s too fucking much—Philip arches his neck back, his grip on Lukas’s hip tight as he comes inside him. He gasps, trying to focus through his orgasm, and shifts a little bit, wrapping his arm around Lukas’s waist and keeping his mouth covered. Lukas sucks in air through his nose and he’s shaking, his teeth pressing against Philip’s skin. Philip thrusts up into him. 

“Come on, baby,” Philip whispers against his cheek, still shaking himself, all of his movements off kilter. “Come for me, come for me—”

Then Lukas makes a noise, one that Philip recognizes and knows would have been much louder if he wasn’t covering his mouth. Lukas’s eyelids flutter and stickiness forms between them. Philip pulls Lukas down and holds him close, feels his gasps in the crook of his neck. 

“Happy fucking graduation day,” Lukas whispers, a minute or so later. Philip snorts, a smile spreading out across his face. “Jesus Christ, your sexy dreams never fail to deliver.”

“Probably helps that you slept on top of me all night,” Philip says, rubbing his back.

Lukas gently moves off of him, collapsing down on the bed beside him. “My favorite place to sleep,” he says, smiling contentedly. 

~

They get another shower, together this time, and Philip is happy to see that Helen and Gabe are fast asleep when he tip-toes out to feed the dogs. They wake up about an hour later and they all eat breakfast together and then get ready, Lukas and Philip putting on their nice clothes that they got two days before they picked up the caps and gowns. 

They stand outside the apartment, and Philip feels a strange sense of nervousness. He knows he shouldn’t—they aren’t even gonna be walking across the stage like graduations he’s seen in the movies, NYU is too big for that. So really he has nothing to worry about. 

“You doing okay?” Helen asks, a hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he says, clearing his throat. He looks out at the street for their uber—he hasn’t ever ridden in one of those big ones before, usually they just walk around or take the subway when everybody visits. He didn’t ask Lukas what kind of car it was, so his mind conjures an SUV and he just kinda goes with it.

“I’m really proud of you,” Helen says, running her hand through his hair. “You two, well—you’ve—you’ve accomplished a lot. You didn’t let anything stop you, and I’m really, really proud of everything you’ve done. The man you grew to be.”

Philip dips his head down and smiles softly, shaking his head. “We didn’t—” He knows he’s about to insult himself, and he’s so used to saying _we_ , but doesn’t want to insult Lukas too. “I didn’t do anything,” he says. “Just, you know—normal shit.”

Helen shakes her head at him. “You’re anything but normal, kid. You’re incredibly special and I just…don’t want you to forget it. She’d be so, so proud of everything you are.”

He’s been thinking about his mom a lot lately. He wishes she was here so, so badly. He feels emotion welling up in his throat and he laughs to quell it, looking up at Helen. “Getting sentimental with me, huh?”

“Of course,” she says, pulling him in and kissing the top of his head. “It’s graduation day!”

“Here’s the car,” Lukas says, reaching down and taking Philip’s hand.

Helen ruffles Philip’s hair as they start walking, and Philip holds tight to the cap and gown in the weird bag they’d put them in, terrified he’s gonna drop them on the ground and mess them up. He and Lukas get into the backseat with Bo while Helen and Sarah sit in the middle and Gabe in the front. Philip is in the middle, which feels kinda funny, but Bo smiles down at him and it seems warm, familial, and Philip smiles back.

Lukas touches the back of Philip’s neck and leans in, kissing his cheek. “You wanna put these things on now?”

“In here?” Philip asks.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “Probably gonna be a mess outside the stadium and they’re gonna want to take pics, we probably won’t have much time to get ready.”

“You’re right,” Philip says. 

“Glad you know pictures are our priorities,” Helen says over her shoulder, grinning.

“Bo, be careful,” Philip says, laughing a little awkwardly as he pulls the gown out of the bag. “Kinda have to reach my arms out to get this on—”

“Noted,” Bo says, leaning off to the side.

~

They stand outside with the stadium in the background, their arms around each other, and it feels just like when they were taking pictures after graduation in high school. Sometimes Philip looks at his life and can’t put a time limit on it, like it’s all happening at once, all the emotions and moments and pain and joy and loss and new, incapacitating love piling on top of each other. Surrounding him. The world speeds by around him like bruising brushstrokes, but Lukas remains the same. Strong and stalwart, his arm tight around Philip’s waist.

“Okay,” Lukas says, finally, and Philip is sure that all four of them have about a hundred pictures each. “Uh, let’s all meet up right here after?”

“Sure it’s gonna be a hot mess,” Sarah says, a worry line between her eyes. 

“We can wait by this tree,” Bo says, nodding towards the one closest to them, with reddish and pink flowers hanging low.

“Just text us when you get here,” Gabe says.

“You guys have your phones?” Helen asks.

“Of course they do,” Gabe says, laughing. “You think these two can go without their phones?”

“Especially since they aren’t gonna be sitting together,” Bo says, and Sarah shakes her head at him. “What?”

“It’s their graduation day, leave them alone.”

“Thank you, Sarah,” Lukas says pointedly, trying not to smile.

They all exchange hugs and go their separate ways, since guests have a completely different entrance than graduates. They go through security, which takes a little while, and then they get to the turning point where they, too, have to split up.

Philip pulls Lukas into a hug, pressing his face to his neck.

“Two hours of boring,” Lukas mutters.

“And then we graduate,” Philip says, his cap nearly falling off when he presses closer.

“Mmm, they say we do,” Lukas says. “But then I could magically fail one of my classes and none of this will even matter.”

Philip snorts, knocking him in the arm. “Not gonna happen.”

“You don’t know!”

Philip pulls back, grinning at him. “One selfie before we break up—”

“Don’t even _say_ that—”

“Split up—”

“Still bad!”

Philip sighs, his cheeks hurting from all the smiling. “One selfie before you go to section 18 and I go to section 12 and we sit texting each other for two hours and then meet up to spend the rest of our lives together.”

Lukas looks satiated. “Fine.”

Philip takes out his phone and holds it out in front of them. He takes a couple, and then Lukas kisses him on the cheek, nearly knocking the cap off his head for real this time. Philip grins, laughing. “Okay,” he says, after about six more pictures. He presses a quick kiss to Lukas’s lips. “See you by the tree after?”

Lukas nods, kissing him again. “See you at the tree.”

~

Philip is sweaty. And tired. And he knows this stupid cap is making a dumb line on his forehead and he keeps itching underneath it. He can see Lukas from where he’s sitting, although the light is shining directly on him and making it a little hard to look in that direction. Lukas doesn’t wear sunglasses a lot but Bo gave him some to wear today, and he looks so fucking cute. The student speaker is going on and on about bright futures and not listening to anybody when they try to stand in your way, and Philip is trying not to listen but he’s sorta listening anyway. He can’t really see her from how far away he is, but he can hear her loud and clear. He knows these kinds of speeches are made to be inspirational, made to make him think he can do anything, and usually he doesn’t want to fall for that crap, but he’s sorta falling for it right now. He feels invincible, like this whole college experience really did prepare him for what he wanted to do in life. He essentially runs his own business, which is insane. College helped him do that, helped him meet people who gave him the courage to take that step, who helped him set up and get going. Plus, college made him realize that he wanted to manage Lukas, which he probably never would have thought of doing before. 

He really wonders what his mom would think of him, what he’s doing, but he knows in his heart that she’d be bursting with pride. That she’d be telling everyone every move he makes, every celebration he shoots, every milestone in his and Lukas’s relationship. And to her, every ordinary date would be a milestone. Despite everything, the pain and the drugs and the broken promises, she was his biggest cheerleader. He can almost hear her cheering now. 

Philip likes to think of heaven. Think of her with Lukas’s mom. It’s his favorite thing to imagine. And it makes him feel good, too. Warm and safe, under their gaze.

His phone buzzes in his hands. 

_You look very reflective._

Philip snorts, typing out a response. _Thinking about our future, you know. All our accomplishments._

_My only accomplishment is not falling asleep on this person’s shoulder next to me. I think my dad is already asleep._

Philip looks up. He has a good view of where their parents are supposed to be, though he isn’t exactly sure. He thinks he sees Sarah’s yellow dress, and he wonders if Lukas is basing his comment on something he can see or a message he’s received. 

_Don’t worry, babe, we’ve only got an hour and a half left._

He feels like he can hear Lukas groan from here. 

The student speaker finishes her speech to rousing applause, a lot of it from Philip himself, and then president gives out degrees to people a lot smarter than Philip and Lukas. Then they start calling out the individual colleges. Each group stands up, receives a lot of clapping and yelling while one representative goes down to get a symbolic diploma. Philip watches as each one goes, and it seems to slow the whole thing up, trying to get everybody to sit back down and making the families stop yelling. 

But then they call the College of Business and Philip starts screaming. He gets up himself and waves his arms around, clapping manically for Lukas. He’s a little too far away for Philip’s liking in such an important moment of their lives, but Philip can see him smiling.

As soon as they’re seated again and the Professional Studies kids are up, Philip gets a text. 

_All I could hear was you :)_

Philip sighs, feeling wistfully and unequivocally in love. A few minutes later they call the College of Arts and Sciences and he almost forgets to stand up. He hears Lukas yelling, hears Helen and Gabe and even Bo screaming at the top of their lungs. The noise is loud, because his college is the biggest one at NYU, made up of so many different things. He looks over, hones in on Lukas. He tosses his cap up a little bit, not too much, and catches it again, pointing in Philip’s direction.

Once they sit down again his phone buzzes. 

_Hey pretty sure you’re the cutest person in the school! So weird that I’m the luckiest person on the planet!_

~

They all throw their caps. Some people lose them. There’s the passing of the torch ceremony and then it’s all over before Philip even really realizes it. He quickly texts Lukas as soon as everybody starts getting up, all nine thousand or so of them, and the movement shoots a little pang of anxiety through his veins. They all came in sporadically, so leaving all at once looks and feels freaky. 

_What way you going out?_

He grips his phone in his hand and follows the person next to him, going down the stands and over to the stairs, towards the exit. People keep bumping into him and he’s glad he’s tall enough to see over their heads. 

_Exit close to me, I’m heading your way._

Philip keeps walking, knowing the general direction to the tree where they’re supposed to meet. He can’t believe this is it. No more classes. No more school. Graduation. They graduated. All they need is their official diplomas and that’s it. It’s over. He’s happy and sad and nervous and excited all at once and he can’t make his emotions stop brawling with each other. He sighs, looking down at his phone again. 

_I think we’re gonna get lost in Yankee Stadium_ he says to Lukas.

He weaves around a slow group and narrows his eyes at some signs.

Lukas messages back. _This is why I hate baseball._

Philip snorts, shaking his head. Everyone around him is laughing, the sea of purple moving slowly towards the exits, each of them in different stages of readiness for the journey ahead of them. Philip doesn’t know why he’s getting deep, why he’s wondering about what all these random people are planning for their lives. He thinks about his classmates, some of the ones he’s gotten close to. He thinks about being in their heads, all the things they don’t know about him when they’re talking to him. He thinks about the years unraveling differently for everybody else. So many roads they haven’t taken yet. So many potential bumps. Thousands, for all of them, everybody all around him. And this is just NYU.

He takes his cap off his head and sighs, rubbing at his forehead. He’d felt so positive when he was listening to that girl’s speech, and now he feels weird, paranoid, falling back into his past and protective of his future.

_I think I’m having an existential crisis_ Philip types out to Lukas, moving over closer to the wall as he keeps walking. He can see the light of his exit, he just has to get there.

_Come on sleepy jean!_

Philip smiles, shaking his head. He tries to keep his mind blank, tries to focus on the exit ahead of him. He knows he’ll feel better when he meets back up with them, that his mind is just going over the possibilities again, how every step results in something different. 

_Babycakes I think I see you_

Philip’s heart does a little somersault and he looks up, picking up the pace a little bit, trying not to ram into people as he goes. He gets closer and closer to the exit, where they went through security. He looks down at his phone.

_Where??_

He keeps going, and then he sees Lukas standing on top of a chair. “Hey!” Lukas yells, waving his arms. He’s right next to the exit, close to a line of cops, and Philip feels ten times better already. He says excuse me a couple times, trying to get to Lukas as fast as he can. Lukas jumps down and moves towards him, laughing a little bit when Philip slams into his chest. 

“What’s going on?” Lukas asks, kissing his temple and tugging him towards the door. “Existential crisis?”

“Just being stupid,” Philip says, instantly embarrassed. It’s funny how his focus gets completely lost when he thinks too hard on it, but seeing Lukas helps him re-center. He catches sight of the rest of them standing by the tree a little away from the crowd, and his anxiety levels go down quickly. His connections ground him, make him feel like despite uncertainty, a whole untrodden road ahead of him, he’ll get through it. Because he has them. 

_**\- There is nothing more beautiful than finding your course as you believe you bob aimlessly in the current. Wouldn’t you know that your path was there all along, waiting for you to knock, waiting for you to become. –** _

Later that night a lot of grads and their families go to Sunshine Grill a few miles from the Stadium, and Angela, Nathan, Simone and the kids meet up with them to have dinner and celebrate. They fold up their caps and gowns, Helen stowing them away for safekeeping so they don’t get food or anything else on them before they turn them back in. Philip sorta sits back and watches it all, watches Nathan and Lukas play video games, Helen and Sarah try six different kinds of hot wings, the kids telling Gabe all about the dogs they met on Career Day. 

“You doing okay?” Nathan asks him, leaning over their table. Simone has taken over for him now next to Lukas, the two of them determinedly racing down busy LA streets on a machine that looks older than both of them.

“Yeah,” Philip says. He feels strangely calm, not at all panicky like he was earlier. “Just, uh—appreciating the moment.”

“You should,” Nathan says, knocking on the table a little bit. “I got drunk as hell _before_ my college graduation and barely made it across the stage.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head. “Ours was too early in the day for us to try that.”

“Yeah, mine was too,” Nathan says, rolling his eyes. He looks around then, straightening up and peering off towards the patio. “Hey, where’d Lukas’s dad go?”

Philip realizes he doesn’t know. “Hmmm, not sure,” he says. “Should I go look?”

Nathan shrugs. “Nah, I’m sure it’s fine. Just didn’t see him disappear.”

Philip is taken back to the hospital in high school then, Lukas’s teary eyes, Bo’s horrified expression through the glass. He braces his hand on the arm of his chair and gives Nathan a look. “I’m gonna just go see,” Philip says. “Let Lukas know I’m outside if he asks.”

“Alright,” Nathan says. 

They’re only a couple steps away from the patio and Philip opens the door to a lot more sound, parties bigger than theirs living it up and laughing and drinking the night away. He looks around, venturing further into the organized chaos, and when he looks off to his left towards the gazebo he sees Bo standing there, staring off at the bridge and the traffic and the oncoming night. Philip thinks for a minute about turning around, going back inside, but instead he keeps approaching him, surprised and shocked to see a cigarette in his hand.

“Wow,” Philip says, startling Bo by the looks of it. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

Bo scoffs a little bit, shaking his head and looking down at the cigarette like he doesn’t know where it came from. “I don’t. Not officially, anyway. Old habit, cropped back up a couple weeks ago. Been going to lengths to hide it from Sarah, Lukas doesn’t know—”

“Hiding it from him too?” Philip asks, a smile tugging at his lips as he walks over and leans on the railing of the gazebo. 

“No,” Bo says, making eye contact with Philip and stating the word definitively. He takes a drag off the cigarette and stubs it out, flicking the remains away. “I’m gonna tell him if I haven’t quit by next Friday.”

Philip laughs. “Oh okay, we’re on a timeline.”

“Our little secret, kid,” Bo says, winking at him. “For now. But if I don’t tell him by next Friday you can tell him yourself. I’ll shoot you a message if there are complications.”

“Alright,” Philip says, finding himself grinning.

Bo smiles back at him. “I’m really proud of you two, I hope you know that.”

Philip just looks at his hands, shaking his head. 

“I, uh—for the longest time I didn’t think Lukas would go to college,” Bo says, leaning on the railing like Philip is. “But then you two got involved and uh—well, you wanted to go and he wasn’t gonna let you go without him. So I guess I have you to thank for the degree.”

Philip shakes his head again, but happiness is blooming in his chest and his cheeks. “I think he probably would have gone anyway,” he says. 

Bo hums a little bit. “Nah, I uh—he definitely went because of you. And I’m glad, it’s good to have a degree, it’s good experience, probably made him feel a little bit more prepared for uh—for life. I always had a hard time getting him prepared for anything. His mother was always the prepared one, I sort of—fly by the seat of my pants and hope things go the right way.”

“Guess he gets that from you,” Philip says, smiling and trying to keep his tone light.

Bo laughs. “Yeah.” He stops and he’s quiet for a couple contemplative moments, and then he looks at Philip again. “I know I do have to thank you. For him. I feel like, with what he went through that…there were a lot of moments that could have taken him from me, in a couple of different ways, but you—you kept him on the right track. And I’ve never been happier to be wrong about a person.”

Philip just gapes at him for a couple seconds. “Thank you,” he blurts out. “I—I—it means a lot to hear you say that.”

“Well, it’s true,” Bo says.

And before Philip can respond he hears a voice. A familiar slur, the air electrified with the way this shithead makes him feel. Philip doesn’t want to call it fear because he’s a rat, a slug, but it’s a sense of unease for a person that isn’t completely right, has negative intentions. Is impossible to get through to.

King fucking Prick. Trent Dour.

They have a goddamn restraining order against him but he stands there at the other entrance to the gazebo like he purposefully sought Philip out, and Philip can tell by his body language that once again, he’s fucking blitzed out of his mind. The dude has a goddamn problem and Philip wonders if he even knows where he is, if he knows he shouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. Or if he can’t help himself.

He’s breathing hard through his mouth and Philip just stares at him.

“Philip,” Bo says slowly. “What is it?”

“I was just trying to have a nice night,” Dour says, the words acidic. “And you fuckers had to be here.”

“Eat shit,” Philip says. “You’re not supposed to be anywhere near us.”

“Goddamn ruining my fucking life,” Dour says, and he spits on the ground.

“Is this him?” Bo asks, stepping closer to Philip and touching his arm. “This the fuckhead?”

That startles Phillip out of the gross haze that Dour permeates the air with and he looks at Bo, nodding. “This is the fuckhead.”

“Oh, nice,” Dour says, swaying, grabbing onto one of the wooden beams for support. “You, calling _me_ —”

Bo steps forward then, between them. “You’re gonna leave.”

“Oh, am I?” Dour asks. 

“Yes,” Bo says, and he sounds kinda scary, his voice low and foreboding. “You’re not supposed to be within a thousand feet of my son and my son-in law, so you need to get the fuck off this premises for the rest of the goddamn night, because we plan to have a long celebration and you don’t have any right to fuck one second of it up.”

_Son in-law_. To say Philip is in shock is an understatement. Dour looks around Bo but Bo steps in front of him again, shaking his head.

“No, I don’t want you even looking at him,” Bo says. “Now get the fuck out of here before I call the police.”

Dour steps backwards, nearly falling onto his ass. He almost runs into Lukas on his way out, who rushes up looking horrified, moving quickly to Philip’s side.

“What the shit is he doing here?” Lukas asks, instantly wrapping a protective arm around Philip’s waist. “Are you okay?” he asks, touching Philip’s face with his free hand.

“Yeah,” Philip says, his heart hammering. “I mean, it’s fine, he was being his normal asshole self and your dad—took care of it.”

“Sorry Philip,” Bo says, turning around. “But I just—”

“No, thank you,” Philip says, hardly able to keep his thoughts in order. “That was really badass.”

“Dad was badass?” Lukas asks, looking down at him. 

“Definitely,” Philip says, smiling.

~

Later that night Philip is sitting on the couch with Helen and Gabe, all three of them in their pajamas. The dogs are sitting at their feet, both chewing on bones.

“It seemed like…I don’t know,” Philip says. He doesn’t want to focus too much on the son in-law comment considering the situation, but it feels like some kind of grand gesture he worried he’d never get. 

“A good step,” Gabe says, squeezing his shoulder. “Like a final acceptance.”

“Yeah,” Philip says. He feels at peace, content, so, so damn happy. Fuck Dour for existing. But he’s so glad this happened. It feels special, hopeful, and he knows he thinks this all the time but he wants to go back to junior year and tell the Philip that was terrified of Bo that they’d get to this point. _Son in-law._

“It’s good,” Helen says. “I’m proud of him. You know he does love you, he thinks you’re so smart—”

“And he’s glad you’re with Lukas,” Gabe says. “Which is…what you two were always working towards. It feels definitive now.”

“Big day, huh?” Helen asks, ruffling his hair.

“Yeah,” Philip says, laughing. “Just annoying I had to see that asshole again to make it happen. But hearing Bo call him a fuckhead was pretty spectacular.”

“I can imagine,” Helen says, laughing.

Lukas emerges from the bedroom, shaking his head and rubbing his stomach. “Oh my God, sorry. I had way too many enchiladas.”

Philip snorts, shaking his head.

~

They have root beer floats and eventually Lukas and Philip retreat to the bedroom, brushing their teeth and flopping into the bed once the lights are out. Lukas insists on being the big spoon but Philip doesn’t mind at all, sinking back into his embrace.

“You’re really warm,” Philip mutters, smiling, his eyes closed.

“Oh yeah? Good, I guess that’s what it’s like to be a new graduate.”

Philip laughs, turning his face into the pillow a little bit. “That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“Everything I say makes sense,” Lukas says, nuzzling into Philip’s neck. “I wonder when the hell we’re gonna get our diplomas.”

“Final grades, first,” Philip corrects.

“Yeah,” Lukas says. “But that should be in the next couple days.”

“You know it’ll be fine,” Philip says, putting one of his hands over Lukas’s, lining up their fingers.

“Yeah, probably,” Lukas says. “Then you’ll get your exhibit in the park and you won’t wanna even be with me anymore because you’ll be so famous.”

Philip shakes his head, pushing back against him again. “As if. The Lukas Waldenbeck experience is special and unique and I’m not giving it up for anybody, thanks.”

Lukas laughs, kissing Philip’s shoulder. He’s quiet for a few minutes and Philip relaxes. He was worried he’d feel shitty after seeing Dour again, which he hoped would never happen. But he guesses it was probably a stupid thought, to think they’d never run into each other again. But either way, Bo’s reaction changed things. It finally made Philip feel completely safe, like he doesn’t have to tip-toe around anymore. Bo sees him like part of the family, definitively, admittedly, openly. It makes Philip want to scream with happiness. 

Lukas sighs, holding him a little tighter. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there—”

“No,” Philip says, gripping his hand, trying to stop this in its tracks. He doesn’t need Lukas blaming himself for anything like this again. “You were there. You got there, it’s fine.”

“I’m glad my dad was there,” Lukas says. “And I’m glad that made you so happy. I guess, uh—what that fortune teller girl said was him and you. Love protects love.”

Philip hadn’t really thought about her and it strikes him that she really might have been the real deal. It’s insane. But thinking that Bo loves him really makes him happy. He’s glad Lukas isn’t asking what they were doing outside, so he can keep Bo’s smoking thing quiet for now. But he knows Lukas probably wouldn’t even care too much. “Son in-law,” Philip says again, shaking his head. “He doesn’t even know we’re married and he’s already using that terminology.”

“Fucking adorable,” Lukas says. “Who knew he was hiding this adorable personality?”

“Not us,” Philip says, shaking his head. 

“But seriously like…I’m so happy, fucking finally, he’s being a normal person, realizing that you’re fucking _amazing_. Because the sun rises and sets with you.”

Philip can’t take it and he twists around in Lukas’s arms so they’re face to face. “You’re so sweet,” he says. “You’re gonna rot my teeth.”

Lukas shrugs, grinning. “Oh well.”

They just kinda look at each other for a few moments, Philip tracing a line up and down Lukas’s cheek. 

“You ever think we should go to grad school or whatever?” Lukas asks.

They’ve talked about it before, but never in any kind of real world situation. Philip shakes his head. “No,” he says. “We’re done. I know you’re done.”

“I’m definitely done,” Lukas says, smiling. 

Philip’s fears from earlier feel worlds away. He knows he needs to stop letting the intrusive thoughts take hold of him, because they’re so far from the truth it’s insane. He isn’t anybody else. They aren’t any other couple. They aren’t any other family. They’ve worked for what they have, and what they have is solid. 

“We’ve got this,” Lukas says, like he can read the expression in Philip’s eyes.

Philip leans in and kisses him. “Yeah,” he says against Lukas’s lips. “We got this.”


End file.
